TW: Miscarriage and trauma
I was very open about my recent experience with miscarriage in December (https://www.instagram.com/p/CYbLuwgs_O3/) . Experiencing this kind of loss, at any stage of pregnancy is devastatingly heart breaking. On top of that I also unfortunately developed sepsis as a result of an incomplete miscarriage, I was at the hospital for a total of 4 days and ended up needing surgery and IV antibiotics to remove what was left and fight the infection.
Not to mention this all happened around Christmas, one of my favourite times of the year, with me not be discharged from the hospital until Christmas Day. A well and truly shit time.
I didn’t share my story for sympathy or attention (which unfortunately a few people did comment on!), but after my experience and privately speaking to so many women, it became very apparent to me that so many people around me had experienced this same kind of loss and unfortunately, for many reasons, felt like they could speak out about it. That’s why I decided to share my experience; to help others who were feeling similar, be a voice for those who felt they couldn’t talk about it and make people aware that miscarriage although still very taboo, actually is unfortunately so common and can have such an impact on someones mental and physical health.
The only positive of this experience was that it did actually connect me to so many incredible women who had similar experiences, who actually got it and understood how you were feeling! It can feel like such a lonely time. There really is such strength in just listening and being there for each other, even if it is just an online connection or a quick message.
Fast forward to Feb 2022 and me and my partner were incredibly lucky to catch pregnant again. I feel like Pregnancy is something that can be romanticised and painted to be such a wonderful and magical thing. Don’t get me wrong for some people it exactly is that and they absolutely should revel in that experience. I am forever in awe of my body and so so grateful for everything is does to enable me to grow a life. However, for myself, and those who experience loss or fertility issues, it can be anything but magical.
Up until around 17 weeks we have had a very stressful and traumatic time. In complete honesty, upon seeing the positive sign on the pregnancy test for the second time my heart sank, and I just cried. “I can’t go through this again” was the first thing I said to my partner. I’ve always wanted children but the thought of experiencing numerous miscarriages, like unfortunately so many women do, was something I knew I just wouldn’t be able to handle.
I started to bleed again in my first trimester and of course I expected the worse. We found out at week 8 that I had a subchorionic haemorrhage (a small bleed next to the sac in the uterus). Nothing to be too concerned about but it was to be monitored. At week 11 I felt dire, very little energy, lots of nausea and generally feeling unwell. This for me was triggering as it felt exactly how I did when the sepsis started to develop.
I was then admitted back at A23 by a midwife when the bleeding got heavier. I was put into the same room, given the same procedure that I had in December to again be told “there is a blockage in your cervix that shouldn’t be there, and it is more than likely you are miscarrying.”
I couldn’t speak and just broke. This time was supposed to be different. I had found out that my best friend was also expecting, and we were due within days, and the thought of our babies never getting to meet absolutely broke me. I was admitted overnight to await a scan the next morning, and I think I slept a total of about 2 hours that night.
The next morning, we were taken to a scan and to our surprise, thankfully, baby was actually okay! The bleed however had gotten bigger, and I was put on bedrest for the next week.
From there in regard to the bleed things did clear up but as I entered my second trimester, annoyingly my sickness got worse. At this point I was also experiencing a lot of stress and emotional trauma from a work situation that was completely out of my control. Everything in my life just felt like it was falling apart.
I was throwing up a lot, struggling to keep foods down, having to spend days in bed, car journeys over 20minutes made me sick and even holding down fluids were a struggle. Mentally, after everything prior, this really affected me. Some days I genuinely didn’t know how I would be able to do this. I’ve always been very active and healthy, yet his felt so far from that, I wasn’t even able to muster the energy to do a gentle walk or yoga practice. To me, pregnancy was not magical, it was draining and anxiety provoking.
I battled with thoughts on how I should feel grateful that I am now able to actually carry a child as some women go through far worse and that I shouldn’t be feeling unhappy about the position I was in. But I also felt like I was losing myself. Being in the wellness industry also feels very odd when navigating pregnancy. You see online all the lovely ladies in the industry sharing tips and their journey, what they're eating, how they're working out etc and my life felt far from inspirational when the most exciting thing I could do was hold down a beige meal. I guess I got caught in that frustrating, ugly online comparison trap! The reality is when it comes to your wellness and pregnancy you really just have to lean into what your body truly wants without any judgement on yourself. And some days that looks like no activity and all the white bread.
My only perceived experience of pregnancy was that of what I had seen in the movies and online, which of course we only show our best bits online. I had a few close friends who have children, but I’d never really spoke to many of them about their experience in detail. I had an image that it was beautiful, that we should be “glowing” and enjoying every single minute.
From my own personal experience, and what I have heard from so many other since, unfortunately it isn’t always that.
The way of the world at the moment with the cost of living crisis, wars, shambles of a government making horrendous decisions also adds a whole other worry! This effects so so many of us in so many ways and my heart feels heavy for everyone, but also personally, after life being thrown upside down with work, where I'm living and being in situations I really wished were different, all add to things feeling very difficult. Throw the typical pregnancy emotions on top of it all and it's just a recipe for upset! I've been told it's normal in pregnancy to worry about money, life changing and the unknown that lies ahead but I'm not afraid to admit that I have felt very overwhelmed by it all.
I guess I just wanted to write an honest, not so sunshine and roses, experience for anyone who might be feeling or going through similar. Whatever you are feeling is OKAY! It is valid. You don’t have to be grateful 24/7 and dismiss the other feelings. You don’t have to tie a narrative to every feeling you experience, you can simply feel it. I would highly recommend therapy if it is accessible to you, this has been a great help for me!
At 17 weeks my sickness disappeared, and I got some energy and life back!! And there has definitely been beautiful moments scattered through the dark days- my 12 week scan and finding that me and my best friend are due on the exact same day being one of them!
Also, I just wanted to raise awareness that not everyone who you encounter that is pregnant might be having a nice time. As a society we’re so quick to congratulate people, share stories, or give out unsolicited advice. But I would also recommend approaching with kindness and compassion. You have no idea what that person might have endured previously to get to the point of carrying a child now, the heartbreak, and how anxious and drained (both mentally and physically) they may be feeling during pregnancy. Be kind, always.
One thing I do agree on though, is that I know in my heart when I, and all of those currently going through similar right now, get to hold that little one for the first time, it will all be worth it! xx
