*TW- Miscarriage and Grief*
There’s so much I want to say about Baby Loss Awareness Week but also so much I am struggling to find the words for and almost don’t want to say.
But coupled with world mental health day today I think it’s the perfect time to shed some honesty on how baby/infact loss really can effect your mental health. Please note these are just the thoughts and feelings that have been bought up for me this week that I wanted to share in hope it could help even just one person experiencing similar. I always encourage seeking professional help if you are really struggling.
After we miscarried in December I had never felt so low in my life. Navigating not just the grief of losing a baby, but also the trauma of spending 4 days in hospital and the events that came along with that felt impossible. The grief was unbearable.
For me it also didn’t stop there. Yes, we were incredibly lucky to conceive again so soon after, but this pregnancy has been far from easy and has taken a huge toll on my mental health some days. My initial reaction to finding out we were pregnant again was just to cry. I told David to leave the bathroom and give me space and I just cried. Not happy tears, although they did come later, but tears of fear and grief and guilt and sadness, but mostly fear. My words to him were "I just don't know if I can do this again."
We’ve had complications since around 14 weeks, with another stay in hospital due to what they at first suspected was a miscarriage again (literally reliving the same procedures, hearing the same words on the same ward felt soul destroying) and the anxiety some days has been unbearable. I’ve spoken to a lot of women these last few months who have been feeling/experiencing the same and whilst it has been comforting to speak and resonate with others, it also breaks my heart that so many go through this. We are not just another statistic which is the narrative pushed way too often… we are real people all experiencing and navigating loss and grief in our own way. I’ve done so much work with my therapist over the last year and realise a lot of the trauma and anxiety I’m dealing with through pregnancy also comes from the countless years suffering with endo and horrifically painful periods. In the last 2 years alone I’ve had numerous trips to A&E with horrendously painful periods, suspected miscarriages, been bed bound with sickness and pain during periods, all of which has resulted sadly in me feel so ridiculously anxious and scared about birth that I’ve actually opted for an elected c section to bring my little girl into the world. For me that feels like the safest and least stressful experience. Unless you've experienced the physical pain that Endo, miscarriages and infections (I suffered with sepsis as a result of my miscarriage) can bring it really is hard to put it into words.
In an ideal world I’d love a water birth, I’ve done hypnobirthing and I’ve practiced mindfulness for years now also but unfortunately the trauma I have experienced from all of the above is just too much to bare going into labour knowing anything could happen no matter how much I prepare. The reason I share this is because unfortunately there is still so much judgement from some on the choices people make during their pregnancy/labour/when they are mothers. I’ve been very lucky to not face this judgement personally and have a lot of incredible support, but I’ve spoken to many women who have had horrific experiences with others judging them.
You never know what a person has been through, the loss they may have endured, how their pregnancy has gone, or their personal battles both physically and mentally to get to where they are today. So before you judge someone on their choices, before you start our giving any unsolicited advice (as much as it may be intended kindly) beginning with “at least you know you can conceive” or “at least you’re pregnant now” or “breastfeeding is best” or “natural birth is best”, just don’t.
Don't say anything. Or just ask the person how they are feeling, or what they need, or if they even want to talk about things. Everybody deals with things in their own way. Some struggle to speak, others find great comfort in talking lots. There is no right and wrong.
Be kind always. Educate yourself and make yourself aware to be able to support others in the best possible way. You can find strength in others, and I highly encourage anyone who is struggling to find a support network or someone you can lean on! You don't have to go through this alone.
At the end of this week on the 15th October at 7pm there will be a wave of light, which is a globally recognised event. You can join other families across the world by lighting a candle and leaving it burning for at least one hour to remember all babies that have died too soon..
Some great places to go for support for yourself, or on how to support your loved ones experiencing pregnancy and infant loss are;
